Things that Michael McIntyre has almost certainly said out loud to himself when he is alone, perhaps when driving*

* (All of which lack the integrity of truth, humility or the merest hint that he isn’t the smuggest prick on television.)

– “WOW, things are going really, really well. My appearances on The One Show are probably YouTube classics!”

– “That joke probably isn’t funny, but if I laugh at it and put on a regional accent – who knows?”

– “How many times have I said I look like a fat Chinaman when I smile? About a hundred or so? Maybe there’s more mileage in it if I cover it up with the sound of my own laughter.”

– “Simply put, I am a comedy phenomenon.”

– “HAHAHAHAHA…. I can’t believe it! I’ve done it AGAIN! Well done, me!”

– “I don’t think there will ever come a time when people won’t find me hilarious. This is inconceivable to me. Surely not?”

– “Could I be the man to revive ‘airplane peanuts’?”

– “Being Michael McIntyre is joyous.”

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