Arsenal vs Bolton: Emmanuel Eboue picks up the ball deep in his own half, and threads a pass out to the wing to a marauding Andrey Arshavin. The diminutive Russian knocks it first time to Samir Nasri, who utilises the ball’s orb shape by fashioning a primitive centrifugal device which is fundamental to the completion of Samir Nasri’s Time Machine, which has been the subject of high-brow dressing room banter for months.
Arsenal vs Stoke: Thomas Vermaelen intercepts a quick free-kick and distributes quickly to Theo Walcott, whose diagonal running creates space in the centre for Nicklas Bendtner. A Walcott backheel wrongfoots Rory Delap, allowing Abou Diaby the chance to play in Bendtner, who plays a transcontintental pass towards Haiti with enough force to reverse the burgeoning tectonic plate movements that threaten a second earthquake.
Arsenal vs Tottenham: A 92-pass move culminates in Tomas Rosicky beating the off-side trap to deliver a tantalising cross. The cross is so very tantalising in fact, that none other than Osama Bin Laden dashes in to the six-yard-box to finish with aplomb, making him easy prey for the authorities who want to try him for crimes against humanity. Rosicky tells a post-match press conference that he’d been practising the technique on the training ground by coaxing low-level offenders and petty thugs with the promise of easy goals.
Arsenal vs Wigan: A sliderule simultaneous nutmeg of Paul Scharner, Titus Bramble, Emmerson Boyce and Titus Bramble again by Bacary Sagna leaves the bizarrely-coiffed Ivorian quite convinced that a through-ball to Eduardo Da Silva might just cure cancer. It peters out, but Arsene Wenger remains convinced that such endeavour will achieve something one day.