A mnemonic for remembering all 50 american states/an infuriating order from Starbucks

January 18, 2011

This is fabulous. I vow to learn this and one day I will use it in a pub quiz to dazzling effect, and when people ask me how on earth I knew the answer I will smile wryly, whilst inwardly cringing at my nerdliness.

NON-ESSENTIAL MNEMONICS.

BY KENT WOODYARD

– – – –

“HOW ABOUT A NICE MOCHA. OR… UMMMM… WHAT IS WHITE MACCHIATO? SOUNDS DELICIOUS. NO? DANGIT. CAPPUCCINO… NO… NO. WHAT’S VANILLA KREME? OH. MAYBE CARAMEL WITH ICED TEA FOR MY ANCH MARCY? MY AUNT I MEAN. I LIKE ORGANIC TEAS—KIWI… VANILLA… RASPBERRY. I NEED COFFEE. NOT YOUR VANILLA, NON-FAT, HAPPY-SLAPPY, CHOCOLATE MOCHA MADNESS. COFFEE. GIMME NORMAL JAVA—PLAIN AND DARK.”

The most enraging Starbucks order I’ve ever witnessed and a mnemonic for the 50 states in order of statehood (Hawaii, Alaska, Arizona, New Mexico, Oklahoma, Utah, Wyoming, Idaho, Washington, Montana, South Dakota, North Dakota, Colorado, Nebraska, Nevada, West Virginia, Kansas, Oregon, Minnesota, California, Wisconsin, Iowa, Texas, Florida, Michigan, Arkansas, Missouri, Maine, Alabama, Illinois, Mississippi, Indiana, Louisiana, Ohio, Tennessee, Kentucky, Vermont, Rhode Island, North Carolina, New York, Virginia, New Hampshire, South Carolina, Maryland, Massachusetts, Connecticut, Georgia, New Jersey, Pennsylvania, and Delaware).


Small-Town Boy

August 28, 2010

I find myself the subject of the attention of a busload of sightseeing tourists. I am the quintessence of London Town dressed in my Beefeater garb. They take photos as I stand still, saluting proudly, representing the capital, doing its bidding, while I secretly think of the dull suburbs with illicit affection.


Despatches from Cymru

July 19, 2010

I find myself in Cardiff on some kind of spontaneous self-dare. I will be here for the next 2 nights. What follows are my honest, unflinching reactions to the cultural melée currently swaddling me.

Language – When in Wales for the first time, I find it advantageous to ask coach drivers with troublesome accents to repeat what they say, at all times. Failure to do so may result in alighting at Newport by mistake, so I’ve been told.

Cuisine – Lamb Cawl is a native Welsh dish, and is best served hotter than the surface of the sun. If I was to speak right now, it would thound like thith due to my burnt tongue. It is a lamb stew with winter vegetables, most appropriate for this time of year. A wedge of cheese is served on the side. I have no idea what to do with this cheese. Politely asking it how it should be eaten rarely produces satisfying serving suggestions, so I ultimately dunk it in my vodka and coke, impressing no-one.

Fashion – Gola bags are highly popular with the childfolk/young adultfolk. I observed with some astonishment a young boy animatedly gesticulating and shouting in triumph upon seeing one bearing a Dr Who design. I myself have owned a Gola bag for two years. I may return here in 2012 and warn the people of an enigmatic killer named Raoul Moat.


Drowning in Data

July 7, 2010

I have an iPhone now. Already it heaves under the weight of apps, lots and lots of apps. I look at Facebook, I browse on Twitter (I now Twit). I take it with me when I leave the house, along with an iPod just chockful of iTunes. At home a stack of unwatched DVD’s stands like a totemistic appeal for simpler times, when man was not awash with information, asphyxiating in an ocean of pixels. I fall asleep in a digital bed, and have Binary Flakes for breakfast. I cycle to work on a bike constructed of spreadsheets and unfinished Word documents. I work inside an internet chatroom with no toilets. I cannot trim my fingernails due to a run time error.  The humanity!


World Cup 2010 highlights – #1

June 30, 2010

Cristiano Ronaldo’s burgeoning physical resemblance to a young Cliff Richard. Behold:

Cliff Richard

 

Cristiano Ronaldo


“Explicitly stating the moral of the story and awkwardly working in the movie title”

March 12, 2010

A Trailer for Every Academy Award Winning Movie Ever


Like Boston?

February 27, 2010

Hello. If you’re looking at this map you’re either a bemused regular reader who doesn’t understand what’s going on, or you’ve been directed here via Book Drum to see my wonderful map of locations mentioned in David Foster Wallace’s Infinite Jest. If you’re the former, please don’t panic your pretty faces. If you’re the latter, enjoy my lovely full-size map, and feel free to poke your wonderful noses around the rest of this here blog, a veruca on the sole of the internet. Click for full size.