Film Review: (500) Days… (2)

October 21, 2009

(500) Days

Joseph Gordon-Levitt reprises his role as Tom Hanson in this unrelentingly downbeat follow-up to (500) Days Of Summer.

It follows the same overall plot shifts and story arc as the first one, but offers a far bleaker world view than that of the happy-clappy ‘Summer’ instalment. Leading man Gordon-Levitt effectively conveys his character’s turgid belief that the world is going to end and Christmas is the bomb that will blow us all up. Indeed, the scene on day 281 when he attempts to detonate a child’s nativity play skyward with a fuckload of TNT is harrowing, and may yet trigger Oscar talk.

In keeping with the seasonal shift, the flighty, dreamy Zooey Deschanel is replaced with the altogether curmudgeonlier Sonia From “Natalie Cassidy” Eastenders, who acts as if her life depends on it, but knows that she has a terminal illness anyway. She plays Janet, a brow-beaten cashier at an LA drugstore who meets Tom in an amusing scene concerning the purchase of some St. John’s Wort.

Intriguingly, the soundtrack of the first film, consisting as it does of tracks by misery merchants The Smiths, remains completely unchanged for this sequel.

The film will not be released in cinemas as the target demographic will most likely not feel like going out, and so will be released on DVD instead.


The shrieking grief of twats

June 26, 2009

Michael Jackson is dead. So, too, is perspective…

“Please change my pants as fashion dictates.”

May 28, 2009
A freezer geezer!

"A freezer geezer!"

Behold…Frostillicus! A year on from Rob Knox, Sidcup finds ever more inventive ways of shocking the nation.


An 83-year-old woman who kept her mum’s body in a freezer has told neighbours she is hugely relieved her secret is out in the open.

Frail Daulat Irani, known as Dot, spoke to friends as police revealed her mother, Gulbai Freedoon Murzan, may have been in the chest freezer for almost 30 years.

Dot told how the body in the garage preyed on her mind for decades but she waited until her sister Parvis and brother-in-law Arthur died before she confessed.

One neighbour said: “Dot lived with her sister and brother-in-law until a few years ago. She confided in another neighbour who told the police and then the police came round and found the body.

“I said to Dot, ‘It must be a great relief knowing it’s all out in the open’. She said, ‘Yes it is.’

“She told me, ‘I waited until my sister and brother-in-law had gone. I thought it was the right time. I had to protect my family’.”

Parvis, a gynaecologist, died 

last year, two years after her engineer husband. It is not known if the couple were the ones responsible for hiding the body.

A police source said it was possible that Mrs Murzan, born in December 1901, was put in freezer as early as 1980.

Another neighbour confirmed the suspicion saying: “A detective told me they believed it had been in the freezer for 29 years.” The Mirror revealed yesterday how police found Mrs Murzan’s corpse wrapped in a black bin liner in the freezer in the garage of Mrs Irani’s semi-detached home in Sidcup, South East London. It was claimed the body was hidden because Mrs Murzan was an illegal immigrant and the family feared an investigation if her death was made public.

Nurse Anella Bennett said she had lived in the street for 23 years but had never seen nor heard of Mrs Irani’s mother – despite regularly going into Dot’s house.

She said: “Her sister became unwell and I nursed her. Several times I went into Mrs Irani’s home and we talked. She never said anything about her mother.

“I’m really shocked. She is such a lovely woman.

“I can’t imagine how she is feeling. I want to talk to her and give her a hug.” 

A post-mortem had to be delayed until tomorrow because the body had not fully defrosted.


Regarding that last sentence – that’s a rookie mistake. Everyone knows you get things out of the freezer the night before and leave them on the sideboard. That way it’s fresh fresh fresh for the morning.

In case you’re wondering how the police know that the woman had been dead since 1980, it’s because she was frozen wearing this :

Just like that

May 7, 2009

This is the greatest death ever.  A man’s dying breaths drowned out by the sound of laughter. That said, it’s absolutely devastating when his eyes catch yours as he tumbles over, as if desperately trying to ask for help.

A fun guessing game to play

March 16, 2009

Speaking in 2005, former WWE wrestler Andrew ‘Test’ Martin said this:

“I’m actually wondering who’s next? Who’s next to die? I can think of at least 15 to 20 people who have died from various things – mostly prescription pain killers. For all you wanna be wrestlers who wanna get in this business, especially now when WWE doesn’t pay you anymore than you would make at a 9 to 5 job, let me break some things down for you. When I started wrestling I had never seen or heard of Vicodin or Percocet or Soma. How come so many wrestlers die from these medications and football players and hockey players don’t? The answer is simple – wrestlers, especially WWE wrestlers, work five days a week all year long taking bump after bump in the ring. A doctor explained it to me like this: Every time you take a fall in the ring it’s like getting rear-ended by a car going 20 mph, so how many bumps in the ring a night do you take? Multiply that by how many times a week you work all year long. That’s a hell of a lot of whiplash and pain. I can remember hearing a conversation from some unnamed WWE head guys talking about how this certain person needs to go to rehab but they couldn’t send him because he was to important to the show. That’s the reality people that is how we are treated.”

Question – is this man’s corpse cold yet?