Cheer up, Morrissey!

July 29, 2009

*Hairdresser On Fire (His Contemporary Stylings Are Fabulous!)

*November Spawned A Monster Munch Craving

*We Hate It When Our Friends Become Successful, Unless They Have That ‘Special Something’ In Which Case Their Glory Is Probably Fully Deserved

*Hold On To Your Friends’ Pig-Tails

*The More You Ignore Me, The Closer I Get To Understanding Why You Spurn My Advances And Accepting That It’s All For The Best

*Lifeguard Sleeping, Girl Drowning, Lifeguard Waking Up, Girl Being Saved

*Satan Rejected My Soul As His Current System For Accepting Souls Is Not Working Right Now, But He’ll Be Back Next Week

*First Of The Gang To Win The Football Pools

*Please, Please, Please, Let Me Get What I Want. What’s That You Say, You ‘ve Parked It On The Driveway? Fantastic, Thanks!

*Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me And I Enjoyed It Immensely

*What Difference Does It Make If I Add Oregano To Nan’s Recipe?

*That Joke Isn’t Funny Anymore, Unless Of Course You Are Playing On The Stereotype That Blonde Women Are Intellectually Inferior In Which Case Now I Get It…Hahaha!

*The Queen Is Dead Sexy

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If James Bond were modest…

July 29, 2009
*The Spy Who Rather Liked Me

*Never Say N—- Again

*Lawnraker

* The Quantum of Shoelace

*Dr. Perhaps

*You Only Live Once, This Much Is Scientifically Proven

*VisuallyappealingFinger

*Sexually Suggestive Tentacle-Based Pun

*Online Casino Royale

*LazyEye

*From Russia With A Firm Handshake

*The World Is Plenty To Be Getting On With For Now

*Provisional License To Kill

*Die Another Day, I’m Busy Playing A Quiet Round Of Golf Right Now

*Live And Let Someone Else Drive For A Change, You Should Be Celebrating! Go On, Have A Drink!

*Diamonds Are Expensive

 

And if James Bond fucked the Queen –

*On Her Majesty


Proposed Alternatives to “Run, Forrest, Run!” When People Simply Must Shout When Someone Runs

July 29, 2009

* “God speed, young man!”

* “It would appear that you have suffered a delay of sorts. Best of luck!”

* “Lightning pace!”

* “Fancy footwork!”

* “May I race you, sir?”

* “You remind me of a younger me!”

* “Pump those calves!”

* “I won’t bring attention to this!”

* “Liz McColgan!”

* “Frankly, who cares?”

* “I must cloak you in a foil blanket!”


‘Happy Birthday! Here’s that furry cape you asked for!’

June 25, 2009

When I dropped into a conversational e-mail to a colleague that it’s my birthday next week, and that I have two days off by myself with which to celebrate it, she offered to come up with various suggestions for what I might do with the time off. Let it be noted that I’ve only ever spent a week in her company (we work in different offices), so she desn’t know me terribly well. Without posting the list itself, here are some snippets of what she suggested I do, which I do for prosperity so I can check back next week and see what I did end up doing. I will almost certainly not wear a furry cape at any point. 

Suggestion that indicates that she has me confused with Matthew McConaughey – ‘Head to the beach and go surfing’

Suggestion that confirms that she has slightly over-estimated my overall fitness levels – ‘go to the lake district or wales and climb a mountain! ‘

Most bizarre phrase used : ‘Furry cape’

Least exciting phrase used : ‘Jools Holland’

Most unsettling phrase used : ‘Something a little more gruesome!’

Most delicious way to begin a sentence : ‘On the subject of picnics…’


Things that Michael McIntyre has almost certainly said out loud to himself when he is alone, perhaps when driving*

June 6, 2009

* (All of which lack the integrity of truth, humility or the merest hint that he isn’t the smuggest prick on television.)

– “WOW, things are going really, really well. My appearances on The One Show are probably YouTube classics!”

– “That joke probably isn’t funny, but if I laugh at it and put on a regional accent – who knows?”

– “How many times have I said I look like a fat Chinaman when I smile? About a hundred or so? Maybe there’s more mileage in it if I cover it up with the sound of my own laughter.”

– “Simply put, I am a comedy phenomenon.”

– “HAHAHAHAHA…. I can’t believe it! I’ve done it AGAIN! Well done, me!”

– “I don’t think there will ever come a time when people won’t find me hilarious. This is inconceivable to me. Surely not?”

– “Could I be the man to revive ‘airplane peanuts’?”

– “Being Michael McIntyre is joyous.”